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By Hunter Thomas

 

Atlantic City NJ. - Couldn't have been two hours into the trip and I had to puke. The smell on the bus was thick with diesel exhaust, medication and a toilet in the back of the bus that was spewing forth it’s overflowing contents all over the rusted floor of the bus. The two bottles of Jack that I drank before getting on this chariot to hell was really starting to work on my gut and now I was looking for a place to blow my cookies. With complete disregard of my dignity, I bent over and projectile vomited out of a rust hole in the floor of the bus.

 

The coupon said, luxurious bus trip to exciting and wonderful Atlantic City, twenty dollars worth of free quarters, and all the free food you could pound down your food hole. Sounded like a no brainer to me. If it was cheap and free, I was there.

 

The picture on the coupon showed a beautiful state of the art bus with air conditioning, televisions and comfortable reclining seats. Also pictured on the bus was this babe in a bikini sitting in what is supposed to be the seat next to you inviting you in for the ride of your life. I marched off to the bus station contemplating the great time I was going to have and what I was going to say to the beautiful babe sitting next to me on my bus ride to Atlantic City.

 

Imagine my surprise when I get there, buy my ticket, and the beautiful bus that I saw in the picture is actually an old orange school bus painted over with what looked like store bought cans of silver spray paint with most of the seats removed to make room for wheel chairs and gurney’s which were held down to the floor of the bus by bungee cables for the mostly elderly riders. Every time the bus would stop, the wheel chairs would roll forward and then be quickly pulled back into place by the bungee cables. I sat down in one of the ripped seats and next to a beautiful 83 year old babe who winks at me and then pinches my ass.

 

The bus pulled out of the station leaving behind a plume of smoke and something laying in the road that looked like a brake lining. The coupon said refreshments would be served in route by a considerate and caring staff. What we actually got was Volga, a 70 year of Russian grandmother dressed in a cocktail waitress outfit walking around the bus serving refreshments. Stopping at each person she would ask A Hungry? If you responded with yes she would tell you to open your mouth and then stand back and shoot the main course which was a hot dog which would be shot down your throat with a compressed air hotdog gun and then offer you a ladle of water from the water bucket.

 

One unfortunate patron opened his mouth and the gun accidentally shot out two hot dogs clogging the victims airway. Volga threw the man to the floor of the bus and reached into the mans mouth in an attempt to remove the hot dog. But to no avail, the man was gasping for air and turning blue. Then much to everyone's surprise, Volga shouted out A Not on my bus you don't! A She then yelled for the driver to slow down and picked the choking man up by the collar and tossed him out the bus. As I watched him roll down the embankment I turned and looked as Volga stood in the front of the bus and told everyone that in exchange for their silence, she would dole out the victims quarters to everyone. Everyone agreed.

 

THE ARRIVAL

 

Hundreds of buses clogged the entrance to the casino where we were going. As we got off the bus the first stop is the comp coupon area where we will receive your free quarters and meal tickets. This is also where you begin your path down humiliation highway.

 

At the coupon redemption counter you are greeted by a stiff faced prick who begins by immediately humiliating you. "Come on you cheep bastard, give me your tickets." Since I was a reporter and wanted not to start an incident I kept my cool and handed my tickets to this f*** face. He looks down at my coupons, stamps them and throws me a roll of quarters and two small cards. "Here's your f***ing quarters, your free breakfast, your free lunch, and since you'll be on the bus before dinner you won't be needing this."

 

Then right in front of my face he smirks and rips up my dinner pass and lets it drops to the floor and says. "Now get out of my sight."

 

That did it, this f*** was out of control! Reaching into my pocket to pull out my press card six security people grabbed me and escort me to a slot machine where they tell me to play my quarters. When I demand to see a manager one of the guys breaks the roll of quarters over my head and deposits the coins into the slot and slams my head into the machine to spin the wheels. Eight head bangs later I was out on the board walk pulling out splinters.